[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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The United Steaks of America
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*