meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
what are they serving at kfc then???
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*