(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.