Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
