Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
