[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
real
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.