Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news