[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
very niche meme I made
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story