[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Just organising my finances.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
money maker
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”