Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

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