[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.