Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Noah was an idiot.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now