Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently