Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…