[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.