Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.