*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
That’s enough internet for the day
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname