*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
middle school in the ’90s
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.