Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out