Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

This is the best one I’ve seen

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO