[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Fight
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married