[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
