Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

Rooting for the overdog

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

こいつ天才

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.