Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.