[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us