Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.