Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

😂

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.