Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Going into Monday like

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

👍

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him