Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times