Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

ME (calling my horse with no name):