[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?