Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast