Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
You Might Also Like
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Snapes on a plane.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.