Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Stick it to the man