Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*