Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Happy weekend !

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time