*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
You Might Also Like
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Yoga Matt
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV