Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.