Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!