*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.