Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions