Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Erm…
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”