Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

beware of dog
(jukin media)

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?