Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley