Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

*looks at you in batman voice*

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.