Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meowchelangelo

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible