ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

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I’ve seen:

•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.


I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.


What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.


signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning


My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.


There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.


Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
“Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days”
“Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days”


ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.