ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions