Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

I forgot how to panic. Help

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

The United Steaks of America

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.