Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Yup
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Good point.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario