Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous