Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.