Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.