Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
💯😂
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”