Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me