Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Very good news from my accountant
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“Sheer Arrogance”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?