Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

All. The. Damn. Time.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.