Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Birds & Planes.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
im all 3
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Nose
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.