Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Goodnight 🐶

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies