Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

The United Steaks of America

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

🚲+physics = winner

What is going on? 😅

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

He is just living hist best little life 😊