Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

“What?”
– Jude

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.