Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it