Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

The Eggorcist

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?