Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Wait a minute…

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

relationship goals

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves