*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.