Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes
1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.
2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.
3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.