My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?