Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.