Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
mariah carrie
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist