Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.